I find myself slowing down lately. I move slower. I walk slower. I breathe slower. And I let less in.
I have just a few more weeks before I give birth. And I’m full of wonder. Curiosity, hope, worry, excitement, joy, anxiety, laughs, tears, love, fear. It’s all there, making me smile yet keeping me up at night.
And more than ever, I’m full of protection, for myself… I tolerate less, I avoid more, I give less time to people and things that rob my energy, and I indulge in the positive love that surrounds me much deeper. And I wonder if I’m getting selfish, or if this is how I should have been living my life all along…
I simply have less to give, less energy as my baby and belly grow bigger and bigger. And so in prioritizing the life I’m giving her, I’m prioritizing me far more, and it’s a strange feeling.
Greedy yet empowering. Full of relief, with a side of guilt.
And with this big change coming up, the changes its causing in me, and the beautiful change in season, I keep thinking of the transitions we take in life. The curves in the road that weren’t planned for, the changes in direction that were.
Student, to lawyer, to wife, to selling travel for animal lovers, to wanting to engage in more self-growth work, to getting my first coaching clients, to motherhood. To feeling found, and then lost again. And repeating that cycle, over and over.
And wondering when it all comes together in perfect harmony or if life is about constantly creating, experimenting, and challenging oneself, and seeing what road leads where. Wondering how safety and security join with dreams and creativity. Wondering what it is I want to give and teach to my daughter…
TWISTS OF FATE…
I live in the neighborhood I grew up in. A neighborhood I left 16 years ago for college and swore I’d never come back to. But with twists of fate I landed here again two years ago, leaving behind the Brooklyn home I had turned into my sanctuary. We now live in the apartment my husband bought before we ever started dating, in this neighborhood I never wanted to see again, in an apartment we’ve had trouble selling and could no longer rent (darn coops rules…).
Ironically my husband also grew up in this neighborhood, yet we never met here, despite living just minutes from each other throughout our entire childhood. We met in college, after leaving here. Twists of fate combined with love to create our story.
For years I envisioned having boys, based on certain fears I have about raising a daughter. And here I am carrying a girl, in the neighborhood I thought I’d vanished from my life, smirking at all the irony.
And yet it’s all perfect; imperfect twisted into perfect. Perfect because it needs to be, so I choose for it to be.
This is my soul work. It’s the journey I’m meant to live; to heal and to grow and to create. To transition, from old stories to new stories. Stories I write. Love I nourish. Twists in the road that I learn and work hard to celebrate.
Soon my life will no longer be just about me and my husband. It will be about what we give to our child. How we love her and the life we give her. How we teach her to travel down her own beautiful roads.
To teach her to live independently, confidently, and with grace, I need to embody and embrace all the transitions, twists of fate, and lessons I’ve been learning along the various seasons of my life.
A BABY SHOWER…
A friend said to me afterward, “Wow, there was a lot of love in that room.” And there was. Love I’ve created. People I adore. And feeling that love, from all my favorite people, I realized that my soul work is well on its way. Progressing beautifully, at its own perfectly imperfect pace.
Transitions and twists of fate, however confusing they may seem at times, however curvy the roads may feel in our guts, are leading us somewhere. Somewhere beautiful, to a destination we can’t see yet.
And all the positive things and people in our lives are all flashing signs that we’re on the very road we’re meant to be traveling on…
Can you see all the signs in your life?
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